Memories of You, Kendall Donald Knight
by iWasDumbSorry
Summary: The tortured soul. Time's ticking and he can't deny it. Worse comes to worst, yeah he knew it but he want to change it even better. With the time left, what's would Kendall gonna do? How does he deal with it ? He needed everything will be alright after he was...gone. He needs to give them special memories. AN : The rating will go up in mid-chapter, No Slash and DEATH CHARACTER
1. Time Tik Tok Tik Tok

**Hey guys, first of all I want to tell you that this story has been posted before but I've deleted it because of 'Block' . So I'll try with new ones but still the first line is almost same as the first and I hope with this I could get a new idea then finish it. *I hope really am***

**Oh please don't bite me or judge me about my Grammar, I've trying my best but feel free if anyone of you want to give some advices or suggestions to me I'd love it and I would listen it and accept it as long as it's a Good Advice :)**

**Nah I need to stop to babbling LOL**

**so please RnR it means a lot to me if you wanna take your little time to review ^_^**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush :(**

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**Chapter 1 : Time Tik Tok Tik Tok**

**Kendall's POV**

That feel is coming back . The pain. Yeah, that sore is getting worst.

He was still trying to fight the pain. He was walking slowly. Cold sweat was urged to come out. Accompaniment of the song was sounding vague to him. Yeah, James, Carlos and Logan were singing that song.

**Thinking, we don't wanna get caught up in over thinking**  
**We only got tonight**  
**Moments, we gotta keep on living for these moments**  
**'Cause this is our time**

**Life's too short to sit and wait**  
**For luck to come our way**  
**Light it up like fireworks**  
**I wanna hear you say**

_"Oh God so is it the time? God if I could ask once more time, please give me some more time.. Yeah a little time. Don't take me tonight .."_

**We are, we are  
We are alive  
And we are the light that's shining now  
We are, we are  
We are the reckless  
And you can hear us drowning out the sound  
We are, we are  
Young and dumb, always chasing something  
We are, we are  
Hearts like drums, you can hear us coming  
We are, we are**

Chances, you know there's nothing wrong with taking chances

His head was so heavy. Noticeably, there were fireflies in every his eyesight. He was still walking slowly with the iron delimiter who exist on his left side and right side .

The tone of the song was still running, kept ricocheting without James, Carlos and Logan were singing. He realised it was his turn to continue it. He picked up the mic with his right hand but the mic feels like a heavy rock.

_DEG .. DEG .. DEG .. .._

The last thing he could remember was everybody was looking at him with horror when he fell limp and Logan called his name aloud.

"Everything seems so fast . This pain.. This sore.. All went dark ..."

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**Author's POV**

**2 Months Ago**

"Dogs! Don't you know why you are gathering here?"

As usual Kendall, Carlos, Logan and James stood in the line up facing Gustavo. Activities like this has been often times they experienced. And not for the first time they were confused by the questions from Gustavo.

"Let me guess ... you," Logan hasn't had time to finish his sentence with agility Gustavo cut it.

"No need to answer, Dogs! I'm the only one who can TALK HERE! And NO QUESTIONS!" Gustavo snapped.

Kendall, Carlos, Logan and James were put their faces in horror and looked at each other.

"As you all know we've released our third album of Big Time Rush, 24/seven. And just like the others, you DOGS will start to the new tour. 2 Months from now and yo ..."

"Wow, really? We have a tour! I can not believe it!" Carlos said with excited as he hit his helmet.

"Dogs!" Gustavo's face flushed and ready to explode as the usual.

"Wow, wow, ok keep it Gustavo .." James said, raising his eyebrows.

"So, you have to prepare all of it by now. Voice. Stage and the others, especially your healthy. This Tour is very important for Big Time Rush's Third album. Tomorrow, in the morning you will be practicing. And Dogs! Remember do not mess this Tour up. Understood!" he snapped again.

Kendall, James, Carlos and Logan just stood rigid and endure the horrors look of Gustavo behavior.

"I can not imagine it, guys! This is the most important tour for us!" Carlos yelled.

"Yeah, just imagine that so many fans are chanting our name .." James said while dancing and imagining about the Tour.

"Ok, I'll tell the news to Camille." Logan said it while rushed out of the apartment to see Camille.

"So do I. I'm going to tell the news to everyone .." Carlos said then rushed out.

"Are you coming Kendall?" James asked Kendall.

"I stay here." Kendall said.

James shrugged and followed Carlos into Palm Woods on the other hand Kendall was still sitting listlessly.

"2 months? God, please give me more time .. Let me do this job until I finished it.." Kendall said to himself with the tears falling into his cheeks .

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**So how do you think so far? Give your thoughts on review? I'd love it and really appreciate it :)**

**And if you have any idea for this story you guys please to share it to me.. **

**:) .. **


	2. Tears and Lies

**Heeyy so thank you so much to Chey21 for your review and your time (: and also thank you so much for alerts and fav.. This chapter also still short but i had planned in the next Chap I could make it longer. And just like before don'****t kill me if there are wrong words, typo etc on this story. I've tried my best. Also you can say anything about this story I'd love and appreciate it (: **

**And here we ggoooo .. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush )':**

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**CHAPTER 2 : Tears and Lies **

Kendall was sitting alone. His vision was spotting at the floor. His mind was everywhere. 2 months, most of people probably thought it was a short time, but not for Kendall.

2 months are very meaningful for him. Mama Knight, yeah a 'Mother' who loves him so much by all of her heart. Katie, his baby sister she always helps Kendall. She known all about Kendall, knew what Kendall wanted and needed even he didn't tell her. Jo who always fills his days with her smile, her laugh, with all her attention and the most important is her love. And his three best friends who always be there for him and which comprehending him. What a perfect life. His old life who feel so perfect until he received that bad news.

He can convincing Jo to keep loving him, convincing his mom that Kendall wasn't a kid anymore, and could convincing his three best friends to not fighting within 5 minutes. But for this he couldn't convinced his disease to make his life to feel right and good again. The perfect life. The happiness. Life before that disease came to him.

In fact he doesn't want to say what kind of his disease. He wanted to sleep for a while and when he woke up, he'll realised that it was just a stupid nightmare. And his life back to normal, the perfect one without that ridiculous things.

He wanted to reveal all his burden to James, Logan and Carlos. But he doesn't want that his three best friends would be too worry and keep their eyes on him then treat him like overthinking or babying on him. He couldn't admit it. He doesn't want that everybody knows of his hardship. Even doesn't want if everybody takes care of him a lot. In the other hand he didn't know how to tell this to everybody about his disease. He wasn't ready for it, yet. He misses his old life.

A few minutes later James, Logan and Carlos came. Followed by Camille.

"Wazza!" Carlos came from outside then closed the door as he walked towards Kendall.

"Hey dude, you know what? We all agreed to throw a party to celebrate our Tour. Tonight will be an epic night ever!" James threw his hands on the air which nobody was really didn't know what those meant and what was that for.

"Yeah, and guess what? I don't know man it's like a MIRACLE that Gustavo said yes for this. Hhoo .." Carlos added, hit his helmet.

"Really.." Kendall convinced it with sluggish.

"Yeap, and every single of people in Palm Woods are inviting at this party. I can't wait for that!" again James said it with his coolest style.

"And I've asked Camille.." Logan cut his statement as he pulled Camille closer to him, "to be my date. And you have to ask Jo too, dude!" he said then raised his eyebrows towards Kendall.

"Yeah, and our job's as the security committee. Uhuk..! Uhuk..! right James?" he nudged James' shoulder.

"Yyeeaahh ..." James replied excitedly but it was gone when he saw Kendall.

Kendall just stayed still in the spot like he didn't really take any attention from his friends.

Carlos, James, Logan and Camille shared their eyes with their curious faces.

"Hei, are ya okey buddy?" Logan asked Kendall gently looking at Kendall' eyes deeper. He knew that something wasn't right he known Kendall since they were 6 years old.

Kendall looked at Logan and all his friends who looking at him back with puzzled face and widened eyes waiting for the answer to come from Kendall' mouth.

"Yeah, im good."

"You're not." Logan said quickly.

"You know to be honest you're a bad liar, Kendall. So, tell us what's wrong." this time James who spoken.

"I-I'm just...thinking." he raised his eyebrows.

"About what?"

Kendall closed his eyes for a while and sighed, "Jo.." he was hoping that they would believe him about this. His mind was screwing up.

"Oh, so you're thinking about how to ask Jo to come with you for the party tonight?" Carlos guessed.

Kendall relieved little bit but still kept silence and looked at the floor. He couldn't face to face with them. He nodded his head as 'Yes' answer.

He could heard their sighs and laughs as a hands touched his shoulders.

"Huh man, You're a such romantic boyfriend ever!" Carlos said with his excited face as patting Kendall' shoulders.

"You're so confuse how to say it to Jo and stringing for a good words for her then let me, your Super Friends help you.." Logan said firmly while enforcing his chest.

"Oh, come on not again!" Carlos and James, they both said at once. Logan looked at James and Carlos with the face _what's wrong dude? This what Super Friends does! _

"So, I think Jo is waiting at pool, Kendall." Camille looked at Kendall with puzzled face. She heard Kendall sighed softly and his face looks very lethargic.

"Ok. I will meet Jo. Thanks guys." Kendall smiled then he stood up and went out to see Jo.

He left his friends and walked out of Apartment 2J towards to elevator. His heart was beating so fast. His thought was still in nowhere. He wasn't sure what should he do. Sometimes he couldn't keep it by himself. He wanted to tell and share it, he was afraid. But if he even telling anything, everything to his mom, his youngest sister, his girlfriend and his best friends it make worst. They don't deserve to this, this isn't their responsibility. He wanted to cry but he couldn't, he have to be strong. Now and then.

For the last time Kendall sighed and says softly for himself, "Guys, I have a disease... "

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**So, what do ya think? I've had a plan for the next Chapter even honestly I'm not too satisfied with this Chapter but I hope you would like it and give me a feed back (: **

**And about Kendall's disease? I'll tell you in the nex****h**** chapter. **

**Feel so free for Review. Love ya.. **


	3. Just Getting Started

**Hey I'm back *I hope you guys are still waiting on this fanfic :)* **

**So once again I would like to thanks so much to Chey21 for your Amazing reviews and don't be sad but I will try my best for Kendall and yeah so do I Chey (: heheh and to Stephanie thank you so much for your review and I hope you will like this Chapter too (: **

**Oh and don't forget thank you so much for alerts and favs it means a lot guys I love you (:**

**But before we go further****, I'm reminding that My Grammar is bad I've tried my best so I hope you can deal with it (: tell me what's my lack then I'll try my best for make it better (: **

**So here we go.. **

**Disclaimer : I do not own Big Time Rush. **

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**CHAPTER 3 : Just Getting Started **

**_For the last time Kendall sighed and said softly for himself, "Guys, I have a disease... " _**

Before he could continue it, the door of elevator was opened. He slowly walked towards the pool and looking at for Jo. He scanned all the direction of the pool then eventually found Jo was sitting under the tree with a phone in her hands.

As he was walking towards Jo, suddenly he felt the dizziness came to him was like hitting his head and he could feel his body trembling slightly. He almost collapse in the ground but quickly he grabbed a chair in near him to balance his weight. His heart was pounding rapidly and his breath puffed and he could feel his chest very sore to breathe, he tried to breathe regularly but it was too painful. He grabbed his chest with his right hand then squeezed it. He groaned in silence tried to hide his pain. He waited a few minutes until that pain is gone.

"Kendall, are you okey?"

The voice came from behind him that made kendall jumped a little and looking at for the owner of that voice.

"H-Hey.. oh, Jo. Y-yeah I'm good." He tried to stand up and hid the pain from his face. He could see the puzzlement and fear in the face Jo.

"Huh, I just stumble. I'm fine, see?" kendall convincing.

"I believe you." She gave Kendall with her beautiful smile.

**_"Ok that's it. Her smile, I can't see this.." _**

"So, you're just back from the another planet huh?" she smiled at Kendall while hit her bottom lips.

Kendall gave his small smile for his response and look deeper in her eyes. Eyes fills with joy, love, affection and attention. Jo is the perfect girlfriend for Kendall. His heart hurts when he saw Jo with her smile, the innocent smile. He couldn't do this any longer. So, he turned his eyes towards the pool.

"Kendall? Are you still there?" Knowing it Jo made a sign to Kendall by swinging her hand in front of Kendall's face.

"Yeah.." he took a deep breath and sighed, "Jo, I-I need to talk to you. There's something I wanted to t-tell you.."

"Ye-yeah.. You can tell me everything, Kendall. Just spell it.." with that Jo raised her eyebrows.

"I-I want t..." Kendall cut it for a while as he closed his eyes then exhaled, "Huh, I want to break up with you."

With that Jo dropped her jaw and her eyes widened. "What? H-how c-could you.." she still paralyzed.

"Jo, I-Im so sorry.. But this.."

"Why are you doing this to me, Kendall? What was my fault? Why are you too rush with this?" Jo covered her mouth with her hands with the same time she bowed her head and began to cry.

"No. It wasn't your fault not at all. It all has nothing to do with you, the reason why i want to break up with you because.. huh I-I don't have t-that feel again for you. I try so hard to own your heart but it's meaningless, because we've had no chemistry anymore. I couldn't take it any longer so I thought that will be better if we break. But we can still be friend, can we? Just like Logan and Camille did."

Slowly Jo raised her head and looked at Kendall. Her tears fell quickly in her cheeks. Her eyes was red and Kendall could see the pain in her eyes.

**_"Jo please.. stop to cry, i can't see you like this. I can't see all your pain. I loved you so much. You're mean a lot for me. I know I can't do this to you. But i had no choice, before it was too late.. _"** Kendall said to himself.

"Jo, please give me a little space. I know this is hard for you, but if i can honestly.." Kendall stopped. He was trying to find the right words.

"I-I've found another girl a few weeks ago. It just feels.. I-i don't know it's different. When I'm with her i can feel the same way when I was with you. Even more. She's too kind for me, when something was wrong and you weren't here she came to me and made me calm. She's so lovely, Jo. And I was thinking about this, I'm so confuse what do I feel. Is it right or no but then I realized that..I'm falling in love with her." Kendall's heart was in so much pain. His body just dead. He never lie like this before. He knew that it will be hard and made a scar for Jo.

He saw the tears falling more and more as she started to sob.

"This is the best for our intermission, Jo. Please i hope you can accept it."

**_"Absolutely No"_ **He added it on his thought.

She tried to control her sob then she took a deep breath to fill her lungs for some air, "Kendall.. I-I don't know, This can't be like this and this can't be as easy as your imagine.. Kendall I love you, but i couldn't help it. You've just pick someone else, it's really hard for me and i dont know what i have to do with this. I don't want to be friend with you either, maybe yet. I just need some time.." she finished what she said then she turned around and ran with her hands still covered her mouth, leaving Kendall without the last 'Goodbye Kiss'.

"I-Im so sorry, Jo... " this time Kendall couldn't held his tears to come out.

_"_This is so stupid! This jerk! Life is SUCKS! T-thi... " before he could finished his sentences something that he didn't even expect to come is appear. He felt his stomach became worse. He bowed his body . He was holding his belly with his right hand and his left hand to covered his mouth. That stupid dizziness.

He let small groaned from his weakness voice but it was bad step, his throat was burning like a hell.

After a several minutes he can't held it so he let it out. He was throwing up. It wasn't easy for him when his vomit with the weakness body. The bad news was that he hadn't eaten from the morning but the good news was there was no one saw him like this so he was little relieved.

After he finished it he sat in the chair to calm himself down and controlling his breath.

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**10 PM**

**At 2J Apartment**

"Guys, i cannot believe this! This would be an AWESOME PARTY! And i think that everyone are enjoying this. Look at the Guitar dude he looks great and his guitar is so beautiful with t-the.. tie... Oh whatever, and the Jennifers.. hhoo AWESOME! I cannot wait to ask them!" like usual, Carlos looked at the Jennifers for a seconds with his lovely face and put his helmet on his head then hit it.

"And hey look over there!" James said while pointing his finger toward the Jennifers.

Not wait for long, Carlos looked at jennifers .

"Aaaayyyeee..! I GOT IT!"

When Carlos turned back towards James his helmet was gone and now already moved into James's hand.

Within horror face Carlos bluffs to James, "Give. me. back. James.." with that Carlos raised his eyebrows slowly.

"N.O.P.E" James said it with a deeper pressure voice.

"James Dylan Diamond.. GIVE. IT. BACK. TO. ME. RIGHT. NOW." Carlos's eyes caught James's eyes like a prey.

"Never! Hey dude it isn't funny when we throw a party and your stupid helmet still in your head even it isn't cool at all! Pppssff.." James said with putted his mock face.

"Y-y-o-o-u-u..." Carlos tried to grab his helmet back from James, that led into a fight between Carlos and James.

"Guys stop it!" this time Logan was spoken. But Carlos and James didn't respont what Logan said. This time Carlos touched James's hair who made James mad and then for attack it back James licked Carlos's helmet .

"GUYS YOU TWO NEED TO STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" Logan yelled at his friends.

Carlos and James stared at logan still on their 'Goofy' position.

"Don't you remember? This is a Party, no fighting, no screaming each other, no yelling and no.. licking the stuff anyway.." he cut it for a while. "That was disgusting.."

"But Logan, you did it."

"Did what?"

"YELLED TO US." James said with widened eyes.

"D-did I?"

"YES YOU DID!" James and Carlos both cried out to Logan.

"Oh, i think i don't remember it heheheheh.."

"Stupid!" then Carlos hit Logan's head.

"Aauuww..." Logan screamed in the shock.

"Ops sorry, i don't remember that I've hit your head.." Carlos and James started to laugh.

"Hey where's Kendall? I didn't see him around." James asked.

"Well, I don't know I didn't see him too since this afternoon."

"Hey, Logan.."

"Oh, hey Camille.." Logan smiled at Camille who walked over him and with Jo in her side.

"Oh, and hey Jo.. Can't find Kendall huh?" Logan also gave his smile to Jo.

Jo smiled back at Logan but kept silence.

"Oh don't worry I can find Kendall for you. Just wait a minutes."

"Carlos don't! It's okey.. I-I'm not looking for him." She sighed.

"Are you alright?" James asked her.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry I just want to spend tonight with all of you, guys."

Logan, Carlos, James and Camille seeing each other.

"Okey, but I'm still looking for him. He couldn't skip this party.."

Carlos, James, Camille and Jo nodded.

Logan was searching at every rooms. The first place which Logan head was TV room. With his struggle hard enough, he shoved all the people who were in Apartment 2J. Music playing loudly, people passing, laughing even glasses and plates are everywhere who wasn't help anything. He tried to focus to find Kendall.

After he didn't find Kendall in the TV room and then he moved into the kitchen. With the same result Kendall wasn't there. Then he went to his and Kendall's share room. Logan opened the door of their room and he found emptyness. Continued in Carlos and James's room.

"Huh .. now he is becoming a reliable person in hide thing. " Logan obviously for himself.

He went back downstairs and through the bathroom. That was when he noticed a familiar voice by his ears. With little curious Logan approached the bathroom and tried to pull the knob of the door. But when he wanted to push the door, he found that the door was locked.

Everything felt like an old before he could hear the voice on there. He knows that something is wrong on there.

**PPLLAANNGG**

The voice came from the bathroom and at the same time Logan heard a gasp or more like someone is groaning.

"Ke-kendall?"

"Kendall!"

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**Tadaa (: So I hope you guys will like it and please don't forget to take your little time to review I would be so glad for that (: **


	4. the Breaking Heart

**Guys I'm back :) **

**hope you still remember me and cheer with me this time :) .. **

**Hemm I don't want to babbling here so hope you enjoying this .. **

**Disclaimer : I. Do. Not. Own. Big. Time. Rush. If I ever did own it maybe they will be die young to me hahahah. *forget it* **

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**Chapter 4 : the Breaking Heart **

I look at my reaction at the mirror. Wearing white T-shirt that covered with blue hem and like the usual with the tight jeans who I thought it was the comfort to me. I knew that tonight we was doing a party and stuff, but if I to be honest I don't really enjoy it what I want to do is just go to somewhere, someplace like peace place far away from the noises.

With my mess hair up, pale face added the black circle under my eyes who didn't even help at all and oh I forgot plus I'd thank to my puffy eye that I've got about an hours ago. Yeah, I know, I can't blame it all because it was my entire fault. My fault why I had to this disease. My fault why I had to be so weak and freaking stupid. My fault why there's nothing I can do and like just waiting for the dead to take my soul. I'm the leader but why could I be so weak? God, what should I do ?

When my memory came back to Jo, the tear of mine couldn't stop to falling apart from my eyes. How could I pass this situation ? This feelings ? I truly love Jo now and then, still I'm gonna love her in deep of my heart. I wanted her to with me forever till I close my eyes; if it was really necessary. But I realize that I couldn't be so selfish like that, she deserves to get more better life than have to spending her life with the dying person or hopeless person just like, me.

I sighed, bowed my head on the ground still my hands standing on the sink.

I guessed that everybody was already here. I could hear all the yelling, screaming or even just step of foods on here and there. All of those noises made me afraid, afraid that I can't hear it again. Afraid that I'm gonna be alone and no one with me even the worst is that voice leave me. To be honest, it makes me to think closer of my deadly.

I shook my head to get off of that thought then swept my hair through my fingers.

Slowly, I took my body closer towards the mirror as gripping the sink tighter to balance my weight. The pain. That pain appear after that; I tried to hold it back but nothing; I closet my eyes tightly, my body was trembling, I could feel that my heart beating faster as my sweat fell from my forehead and I frozen for a while.

I grinned while panting to hold the pain away from me; not for now, not this time. But it failed because the pain more stronger than I thought, quickly my right hand covered my belly' area and squeezing it while my left hand still gripping at the sink tighter try to swift the pain.

This pain come often than I thought and it's more stronger every then.

"Aaagghh..." my breathing is uncontrolled, my cold sweat slowly urge to come out from my whole body.

I bowed my body spontaneously and moaning in the pain.

"N-not now, please," I whispered to myself to make it keep strong.

I tried to chance my position in upright position hoping it'd help to get my normal breathe back.** Nope**. It was my bad move ever that I took.

To balance my weight some more, I grabbed anything stuff in around me without I had to know what was that, but it couldn't take my weight too long knowing that stuff fell on the ground, making a loud dang noise at the moment. Because of that I fell on the floor; in circle position while my hands holding tighter my stomach. I tried not to scream or let anything voice that could anyone out there hear even it was hard to do but I was glad that I could handle it this time even with the tears falling from my eyes.

_I don't want someone know about this, yet. _

After I thought it was enough to the pain away, I opened my eyes and tried in the second time to get up and this time I helped with the wall to pulling me up. As I was trying to get my body to stand, I heard someone of out there calling someone else but I couldn't hear it clearly. But I was sure that the voice was familiar to me.

"Ke-kendall?"

"Kendall!"

By the time, that voice more clearly to me. Someone already realized that it was me.

When I got stand by my feet, I took a small steps over to the door, making sure that I couldn't fall this time even that pain was gone but I can feel that I'm still weak to walk by myself.

Before I reach and open the door I make sure that my face was alright and pretending that there has nothing happen here.

I grabbed the knob of the door, opened it and found Logan standing on front of it with the worried face.

"H-hey, Logan," I said with a big smile on my face, hiding all of my problems on it. Hopes he don't notice it.

Logan just standing on there with the blank expression that I couldn't read what was he thinking.

"A-re you okay ?" finally Logan came out with something, he was scary me out and I don't like when someone keeps silence like that; it reminds me about...something that I really wanted to forget.

"Y-yeah I'm fine,," no Logan, I'm not. I'm afraid to tell so even I'm afraid knowing that something's wrong with me. I don't even know that I will be fine after all of this. All, everything is too heavy for me, I wanted to tell anything, everything to you guys about what had happened to me but not ready for it, not this time. I don't want you guys babying me after knowing about it.

Besides, you guys don't deserve about this. It's all my problems and I'm gonna get over it with by myself.

"Is everyone ready to the party?" I tried to make it easy to Logan. I don't want to he thinks like crazy about me; you should know he's the brain one.

"Y-ya, I guess so.."

I smiled at him, grabbed his hand and led him to back in the place that it belongs to.

* * *

"Ken, are you alright?" Logan took my arm and turned me by it.

"Logie I'm fine. Look," for the thousand times I gave him a smile hoping he will believe me this time without any questions, "Logie can you believe me that everything is fine?" our eyes was meeting. His brown eye so calm to me, I and Logan were best friends so long time ago. We known each other as well. We're like a family, he's like my brother to me and I feel so save when I near him even I'm the leader that always protect my friends however it was but somehow I feel secure even save when Logan nears me. Yeah, maybe it was because he knew me better than James and Carlos at the first time and he always in my side, whatever I need someone he always the first to comes to me.

Actually I feel bad for him that I was lying at him, but I couldn't help it. I have to keep this lies on anyone, even for myself.

He gave me back his smile, that's I've been waiting for. The smiles. I know that I'm gonna leave them but at least I want everyone still keep they smiles now and then.

"Thanks, Logie.."

We kept walking towards our friends who have been waiting for us.

I couldn't hide how bad my feelings and how hurt my heart everytime I see Jo. She look upset and sad, when we met our eyes she just gave me a weak smile at me I couldn't help it I just wanted to hug her so tight but I couldn't. But one think that I was glad about that tonight was I could hear they were laughing. I had they laugh, I had they smile, I had this memories and it will be keep in my heart forever and I never let it go...even my soul was taken from my body.

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***sighs* Oh I feel so sorry about this story. I know it's been too long about the update but here hope you will love it. **

**I tried as hard as I could to get into Kendall's POV. Hope you guys will feel what Kendall did. **

**So how did you think guys? **

**Does it deserve for some reviews? **

**Let me know what did you think about this, okay :) **

**Oh if you don't mind please read my another story 'Like We Used To' It's about Kogan but I was going to chance it into Kames so. **

**I Love You guys so much... **


	5. Memorizing

**Wow guys.. **

**Thank you so much for your reviews, alerts and favs.. **

**I'd like thanks to Chey21, dmg-san, btrgirl4eva, HannahGraceRusher, Mollanis and Glee Clue Rock 1251 to took your times for reviewing this it means a lot to me and ofc for this story .. I love you guys so much and here's the new Chap hope you will like it as before :) **

**I tried to make it good even I got block *again and just like the usual x_x* so bear with me, give some reviews ? Maybe ? :D *Gives a big smile* **

**SO ... **

******Disclaimer : I. Do. Not. Own. Big. Time. Rush. If I ever did own it maybe they will be die young to me hahahah. *forget it* **

* * *

**Chapter 5 : Memorizing; First.. **

The Party last night was great so far. It wasn't like what Kendall thought, we had so much fun last night. It filled with laughs and the happiness.

Kendall was smiling as he wrote something on his note. From now and then he's going to write anything or everything into it, hoping that those memories will be here and never be fading away when he wasn't here anymore.

To be honest, he still remember about Jo and yeah he couldn't get his mind off of her.

He sighed while closing his note after He has finished it. He thought it was enough for last night; August, 10th 2013.

He decided to take a quickly shower and get to downstairs to breakfast with his family like the another days. Oh really, he's gonna miss it someday to having a breakfast with his family and his friends actually they're like his family tough.

He hopes he's gonna meet them again after this life.

Kendall loves them so much...

* * *

**August, 11th 2013 **

"Carlos, please stop it!"

But it was just like Carlos, he didn't want to hear that and kept playing with his food. He struggled his shoulders and made a mocked face to James who already burned because of it while Logan, like you know the only one person who _still _normal, has his book on his hands without take any attention to his friends. Katie and Mama Knight were eating in the table while watching _the fight _between James and Carlos. It's a normal activities like the other days, and Kendall feel so happy for seeing it. He loves his family, he loves his brothers, he loves all of his life except for that diseases but he was hoping that all of this it was his dreams but he knew that it wasn't, _damn. _

He walked through the dinner room and took a sit beside of Logan. He didn't want to eat, yet. Logan realized Kendall' presence and facing Kendall then gave him a small smile, tired smile he guessed. He thought that everybody was tired because the party last night even Carlos and James still had those fight things with the food but he didn't even matter it because he knew he will miss it so much.

He will miss James' and Carlos' yells.

He will miss Logan' normal things.

He will miss his mom' love and hug.

He will miss Katie' cares and of course his babysitter things.

He will miss all people in Palm Woods, swim pool, park, pranks and Jo.

He couldn't deny it, he still loves Jo. How couldn't ? It was to hard to forget her, but he had to besides it will be fade away then gone along with his body.

"Hey sweetheart.." Kendall turned his vision to his mom who standing behind him then gave him a hug and kiss, oh the sweetest ones.

Kendall closed his eyes for a while to feel that feelings then opened it again for gave a smile for his mom.

"You look tired, sweetheart." she swept Kendall's hair softly hoped it'd make him feel better. She knows Kendall as well.

"Yeah, sort of mom.." once again he gave her a small smile.

"Let's join us for breakfast?" James gave a shot for Kendall and Logan as raising his eyebrow at them still putting higher the chicken nugget in the air.

"James give it back to me," Carlos alerted to James while giving him a dead look.

"N.e.v.e.r." James answered it not even mind to look at Carlos's.

Logan just shrugged but came over to James's and Carlos's followed by Kendall.

Katie and Mrs. Knight took a sit between them and they started to eat.

Kendall scanning all of them, he memorizing all those moments and he will keep it like forever. He looked up at Katie, his babysitter who has a beautiful smile and the soft eye; then turned at his lovely mom who has the shady smile the smile who fills with love and it always makes Kendall feels so calm and secure; moved to his best friends, well just call them with his brothers. First of all, James who still focusing on his food and little bit calm about the fight with Carlos but even he acts like ridiculous guy but it doesn't mean a thing for Kendall because James always gives Kendall those beautiful days with his smile and his act. Logan, eating his food without any words or more act, Logan is the normal one but really cares with Kendall and knows Kendall as well as his mom. When he knows that something is wrong with his friends, he is the first person who notices it. The last but not for all, Carlos, his crazier friend for four of them. Kendall loves Carlos' laugh, his attitude and all his crazier things even more of people hated it but really they didn't notice that Carlos is the special friend. He can act like a child but when something's happen with his friends Carlos always puts the smile on their faces again, like just now he still playing with his food and make some noise but Kendall loves it. A smile crossing at Kendall' month.

One by one he scanning at them, they look so happy one each other no matter what happens so Kendall hopes that it'll be just like this forever even with or without him by their side.

_Breakfast things... _

* * *

"Come to the pool?" Carlos asked.

"Are you nuts?" James answered while crossing his hands on his chest.

Carlos gave him a strange look. Noticed it James continue his words, "are you not tired or something after last night, hah?"

"Are. You. Nuts?" this time Carlos gave those words for James back.

"Since when you feel tired of play and have fun?" Carlos added.

James looked at nowhere as opened his mouth but no words come out of there.

Carlos sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Guys, stop, please just stop.." Logan took a spot between James and Carlos with _what's wrong with you two _look. Finally..

"Have you guys noticed you two already fighting about the whole day?" Logan raised his eyebrows and Kendall couldn't hide his giggle because of it. Yeah maybe they always get a fight the whole life but they never mean it and everybody knows it.

About a minutes they finally stop with the argument without Kendall take a part of them, yeah he has to try with it, to not take a part with his friends or even his family. He has to make them feel nothing but happy without him.

It was like a slow motion when he standing in front of them, laughed softly as he watching his friends do their normally activities like this. They hitting each other with pillow or something, trying to hid their stuff, grab their hairs or just war of words.

This day he'd spend his time with those memories..

He'd memorized it; their scream, their laugh even their voice. A small smile came out from Kendall' month.

_I will really miss you guys, my brothers.._

* * *

**So .. **

**Ta daa .. **

**How ? Bad ? So bad ? Worse ? Just tell me what you thoughts guys.. **

**Gosh, so sorry if there are any mistakes on it or else I tried my best especially for my Grammar :"( .. **

**So thanks for ****HannahGraceRusher's suggestion It helps though :) so hope this Chap will be better .. **

******Hemm Review ? **

******:D .. **


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